CONTENTMENT COTTAGE

WELCOME! In the midst of each life's chaos exists a place of calm and sunshine. I call mine Contentment Cottage. It is the place where I write my stories and find the peace of God. I've posted my "Ice Pick" reviews and will continue to add some of what I call my "Ice Crystals": poems, articles, essays, fillers, and recipes.

Monday, May 21, 2012

THE END OF THE TUNNEL

For years the road got darker, and then for the last five years, I've felt as though I were in a tunnel.  In the distance sometimes I thought I saw a white speck, which might have been a bit of light.  But whether it was sunlight, a single shining star, or an oncoming train, I couldn't tell.

I often asked myself what I was trying to accomplish and tried to focus on that goal, but in the end I was only trying to survive.  Where at first I was able to hide out in my fantasy worlds, I eventually became less and less able to concentrate on my story worlds as my characters grew less real to me.  I wanted to give up, to quit trying to write.  At first my characters nagged at me, but finally they shut up.  They will, you know, if you ignore them long enough.

And I continually asked myself, "What's the point?" 

Now, I'm trying to re-enter life.  I feel as though I were standing at last at the exit from the tunnel. I'm leaning against the side, looking out at the world of sunlight and green hills, where nearly anything might be possible.

I need to begin my life again.  And it's not easy.  I am grateful that God gave me thirteen years of living alone while I was working, because I am drawing on that experience as I recreate my life and give myself permission to do different things, to sit in different chairs, eat in different rooms, put my towels on different racks, buy and prepare different foods, wear different clothes, go different places, watch different TV shows, etc.  It's harder than it sounds.  And I've never been so lonely in my life.  Or so without purpose.

If you've ever been the sole caregiver for another human being, you understand what it means to live for two people at once, to virtually give your life for another.  I didn't do as well as I could have.  But I did the best I could at the time. 

And I've learned that everything takes time:  "Patience is the building block of life."

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