IN THE SILENCE

I am accused of being extremely competitive and of being a perfectionist, and of course I’m guilty on both counts. I compete in everything I touch, and always have, not that that excuses such behavior. I was competitive from pre-primary right on through graduate school, and always tried to make my schoolwork perfect, not that I ever succeeded. But why do I do this? Why does anyone do this? Why is anyone like this? It certainly won’t "win any friends or influence any enemies" on a peer level, and obviously my supervisors aren’t too impressed either. Is it the result of insecurity? Am I trying to earn acceptance, win affection? Did I think my teachers or my parents would like me better? Is a competitive spirit the result of insecurity?

Can I learn to "let go and let God? Can I rest my worries and my burdens on Jesus? On Him who cares for me? Does He really care for me? Can I learn to trust God? Can I stand at the edge of the cliff and step out over the abyss in faith? Can I do that? Can I? Have I ever really tried before? Can I try to do it today? Right now? For even the next few hours? For just the next few minutes?

Shortly after I wrote the above, I found this affirmative Psalm prayer on a card and made it mine:

I will depend on God alone;
I will put my hope in Him.
He alone protects and saves me;
He is my defender, and I shall never be defeated.

My salvation and honor depend on God:
He is my strong protector;
He is my shelter.

I will trust in God at all times.
I will tell Him my troubles, for He is my refuge. Amen.

(Adapted from Psalm 62:5-8)

{From A Journal of the Spirit, a Journey of the Soul, by D.C. Ice, Nov. 19, 1987.}