These last seven months or so have been a dark period in my life. If you have never been here, you cannot know, but if you have, then you can understand only too well. I looked back this morning in my journal to another dark period and this is what I found written there:

"What happens when you let the anger loose? When you turn on everyone and God and self? When you deny God and religion and the Bible and prayer and anything else you can find? You choke on the Communion wine. You deliberately stop and wander off the trail into the fogs and black mists. What happens when you flirt with evil and play fast and loose with the dark forces? What happens when you stand alone and feel free? Free to do wrong because your faith is shaken. Does Jesus really come after the lost sheep? I'm about to find out. I hope so.

"Is this it? Is this a cry for help? For attention? For love? I meant it when I said, 'He is never there for me.' Oh, I've had the dreams and felt His touch of love. I have been truly blessed. I have. I have seen His sign in the sun. I still believed in Him even when I was angry with Him. This is the first time that I've ever doubted His existence. I said it and then I realized it was true. Is this the Valley of the Shadow?"

What had happened back then was a huge turning point in my life. I quit my job, moved back home, lived a life of retirement sans pension, and entered into the best years of my life. God had great things planned for me, but He had to shake me loose from where and what I was. And it wasn't easy. Afterward I remembered previously telling Him that if He wanted me out of there, He was going to have to push me out. He did! And it was very painful.

Now, I don't know where the road leads. I just have to trust that He is still leading me as He led me back then, and that what He has planned for me is in His hands. I don't like what I see so far, but life is a succession of such things--phases, my mother calls them.

With that "I hope so" the light shines in. Dimly, but it shines.

IN THE SILENCE
"Amen" is not "good-bye."
I used to be reluctant to leave a church service or to get up from praying, feeling that I was losing that wonderful connection with God. Sometimes I even avoided saying,"Amen," even though I knew it was from the Hebrew and means something like "so be it," a traditional ending for prayer and an affirmation or ratification of a statement or a plea. This morning when I finished praying in my quiet time, I suddenly understood that because God's presence never leaves me, "Amen" is not "good-bye." I may from time to time forget about Him, but fortunately He does not forget me. "Amen" is not "good-bye."

IN THE SILENCE

When I was young I learned that fragile things are easily broken. When I grew up I learned that everything is fragile and easily broken.

{From A Journal of the Spirit, a Journey of the Soul, by D.C. Ice, Feb. 4, 1975.}

IN THE SILENCE

"God bless you!" we say if someone sneezes or if they are going through hard times, and even more especially when they have done something wonderful for us--something mere "thank you" won’t begin to cover.

"Bless the Lord," the Psalms command us. And God has done more for us than any of us could imagine. But how can we say "God bless you" to God? Can we bless God? How could we? Can the lesser ever bless the greater?

Perhaps by praise. "Praise You, Lord. I thank You and praise You." How else? How does a field of flowers bless me? By being their own beautiful selves. By being the thing they were meant to be and doing their best. Well? What am I waiting for?

{From A Journal of the Spirit, a Journey of the Soul, by D.C. Ice, Jan. 28, 1995.}

IN THE SILENCE

In the Parable of the Prodigal Son, the elder brother is in a snit because his father has killed the fatted calf and held a party for his worthless brother, who has just returned home, while the elder has stayed home and been obedient and faithful. The father says to him, "You have been with me all the time, and everything I have is yours." But the elder brother never asked for anything. He never asked! "Ask, that you may receive."

{From A Journal of the Spirit, a Journey of the Soul, by D.C. Ice, Jan. 21, 1999.}

IN THE SILENCE

Some scholars criticize the New Testament because the same words of Jesus are repeated in a different Gospel under different circumstances or in a slightly different form.

But Jesus came to teach. Why wouldn’t He have repeated the same or a similar message many, many times to different audiences whenever the opportunity was presented?

It wasn’t like the AP wire services were going to publish His message and let everyone in Israel read it in their morning paper or the Evening News repeat His sound bites at six and eleven. It was more like the whistlestop tours of politicians. Listen to campaign speeches!

{From A Journal of the Spirit, a Journey of the Soul, by D.C. Ice, Jan. 14, 1999.}

IN THE SILENCE

If I try to forgive out of my own strength and ask God to forgive, as well, I find I cannot. Secretly, I am hoping to heap coals of fire on their heads, praying that God will avenge me.

Only when I reach beyond and become aware of my oneness with God, knowing that I cannot be separated from Him no matter what happens, and that He loves me eternally, can I forgive and know the forgiveness is real and in God’s hands, as I am.

{From A Journal of the Spirit, a Journey of the Soul, by D.C. Ice, Jan. 7, 1996.}

IN THE SILENCE

To proclaim faith and light and peace and joy to others, we must first have it in ourselves. Then God’s joy and wisdom and energy and love and compassion flow through us to others. And we become the Gospel that others read if they read none other. Will we become perfect at it? No, but we can strive. In time we each become a living flame of love.

{From A Journal of the Spirit, a Journey of the Soul, by D.C. Ice, Dec. 31, 2003.}

IN THE SILENCE

"Receive what I give you," saith the Lord.

I am so eager to receive the good things--like Christmas presents and good health and all the beautiful things of nature. But Job said, "Shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil?" (Job 2:10) I'm not so crazy about that!

But when I think back on the bad times in my life and my worst experiences, I see now that much good came from some of them. Maybe I'm still too close to see the good that came, or will come, from the others. I don't think You really send "evil," but You permit it to happen to us. John Baillie said, "Teach me, O God, so to use all the circumstances of my life to-day that they may bring forth in me the fruits of holiness rather than the fruits of sin. Let me use disappointment as material for patience . . . let me use danger as material for courage . . . let me use reproach as material for longsuffering . . . let me use pains as material for endurance."

But then I think again about the good things You give us. Accepting something from Your hands is different from receiving it. You have given me talents and abilities unique to me. If I do not use them, they are just wrapped gifts still under the tree or unwrapped, but stuck in a closet somewhere. You have sent Jesus to us. But if we do not receive Him into our hearts and minds and lives, instead of just celebrating His birth, then Christmas is just a holiday off from school and work, a day distinguished from others only by presents and lights and a big meal.

Help me, Lord, to truly receive You into my home, my life, and my heart, every minute of every day.

{From A Journal of the Spirit, a Journey of the Soul, by D.C. Ice, Dec. 24, 1992.}

IN THE SILENCE

Expectance and hope are a part of every Advent and Christmas. You can expect something bad will happen without hoping that it will. You can hope for something without expecting it. If you expect it, then you almost foreclose hope.

{From A Journal of the Spirit, a Journey of the Soul, by D.C. Ice, Dec. 17, 2003.}

IN THE SILENCE

Today I saw dandelions blooming in the gutter, and forsythia’s bright yellow flowers along the road. Our japonica is in blossom and so is myrtle and the bridal wreath. In December! Nature is not always beautiful, but it is always surprising.

Many have taken Genesis 1:28's words to subdue and have dominion as meaning to destroy and beat on and abuse the Earth and those weaker than they. But "dominion" means to rule, and a good ruler takes care of his or her subjects. Psalm 111 describes God--our perfect ruler, for He has dominion over us! We should emulate Him in His care for those things and people in our power, whether land or people or animals, be gracious and full of compassion, giving food to the needy, being careful to keep promises, being just and truthful and upright. We should be considerate of all living things whether trees or butterflies and be generous and kind, honoring those whose lives we must take to live, protecting those who depend on us for food or care and love, and allowing others to live their own lives in peace.

{From A Journal of the Spirit, a Journey of the Soul, by D.C. Ice, Dec. 10, 1991.}

IN THE SILENCE

I was concerned that I do not witness for Christ, that I do not go out and preach and try to convert people and that maybe I should do more. I don’t even have children to lead to Christ. Then the chapter I read this morning was Matthew 5, and it was as if Jesus said to me, "You are the light of the world. . . . Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works and glorify your Father who is in heaven." And I realized there are other ways to win people. St. Francis of Assisi said, "Be special. You may be the only Gospel your neighbor will ever read."

{From A Journal of the Spirit, a Journey of the Soul, by D.C. Ice, Dec. 3, 1987.}

IN THE SILENCE

"Connect." I have been drifting away from You, God. I need to drift back or paddle back or just let You draw me back. That’s nice. I need to connect with You. I can reach You through Your Word, but sometimes Your Word gets in the way. And through prayers, but sometimes they get in the way. And through my mind, but sometimes my mind gets in the way. I just need You, need to connect with You. That’s all I need.

{From A Journal of the Spirit, a Journey of the Soul, by D.C. Ice, Nov. 26, 1987.}

IN THE SILENCE

I am accused of being extremely competitive and of being a perfectionist, and of course I’m guilty on both counts. I compete in everything I touch, and always have, not that that excuses such behavior. I was competitive from pre-primary right on through graduate school, and always tried to make my schoolwork perfect, not that I ever succeeded. But why do I do this? Why does anyone do this? Why is anyone like this? It certainly won’t "win any friends or influence any enemies" on a peer level, and obviously my supervisors aren’t too impressed either. Is it the result of insecurity? Am I trying to earn acceptance, win affection? Did I think my teachers or my parents would like me better? Is a competitive spirit the result of insecurity?

Can I learn to "let go and let God? Can I rest my worries and my burdens on Jesus? On Him who cares for me? Does He really care for me? Can I learn to trust God? Can I stand at the edge of the cliff and step out over the abyss in faith? Can I do that? Can I? Have I ever really tried before? Can I try to do it today? Right now? For even the next few hours? For just the next few minutes?

Shortly after I wrote the above, I found this affirmative Psalm prayer on a card and made it mine:

I will depend on God alone;
I will put my hope in Him.
He alone protects and saves me;
He is my defender, and I shall never be defeated.

My salvation and honor depend on God:
He is my strong protector;
He is my shelter.

I will trust in God at all times.
I will tell Him my troubles, for He is my refuge. Amen.

(Adapted from Psalm 62:5-8)

{From A Journal of the Spirit, a Journey of the Soul, by D.C. Ice, Nov. 19, 1987.}

IN THE SILENCE

Too often, Lord, I forget that prayer, like conversation, is supposed to be a two-way street, and so I prayed this morning:

"‘Speak, Lord, for thy servant hears.’ You have said, ‘Be still and know that I am God.’ Help me to be still and listen. . . ."

And this was the answer I received, not in audible words, but in thoughts that came quickly to me:

"Offer your day’s planned activities one-by-one for guidance or inspiration or warning. Doing this is not a distraction, but a leading. Be still. The Old Testament has great value; read the lessons. Their worth may not be immediately apparent to you. I have shown you this before. Keep silence. Saul disobeyed. Rebellion is akin to witchcraft; stubbornness is akin to iniquity and idolatry. Saul tried to go beyond God’s command. He was more afraid of his people than of God. He made excuses to justify doing things his way. Keep track of what is revealed to you so you may remember and see your progress in spiritual learning and growth."

{From A Journal of the Spirit, a Journey of the Soul, by D.C. Ice, Nov. 12, 1991.}

IN THE SILENCE

Lord, I know they say to pray a Psalm when your heart is too full and you can’t find your own words, but I never can find a "good" one when I need it. This time I did. Psalm 56.

"Be merciful unto me, O God: for man would swallow me up; he fighting daily oppresseth me. Every day they wrest my words: all their thoughts are against me for evil. Put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book? What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee.

"In God I will praise His word. In God will I praise His word, in the Lord will I praise His word."

"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." When I am in thee I am safe. Being "in God" is akin to the New Testament’s "in Christ," as E. Stanley Jones writes in In Christ.

Deuteronomy 10:12 says, "What doth the Lord thy God require of thee, but to fear the Lord thy God, to walk in all His ways, and to love Him, and to serve the Lord thy God with all thy heart and with all thy soul?"

"Walk before God in the light of the living."

{From A Journal of the Spirit, a Journey of the Soul, by D.C. Ice, Nov. 5, 1997}

IN THE SILENCE

We seem to be more ready to make the great sacrifices than to make the small ones. We seem to be more ready to die for Jesus, our country, or our loved ones than to give up petty things and do small services. We must endure the small hardships and make the small sacrifices in the same spirit with which we would make the great ones. "Do everything without complaining or arguing." (Phil.2:14 NIV)

{From A Journal of the Spirit, a Journey of the Soul, by D.C. Ice, Oct. 29, 1983}

IN THE SILENCE

This evening I came home from work and prayed. And the peace of God came down upon me. Not a fragile thing, but tough--"God will not be denied." But so much love and comfort, so much. I am not worthy--we never are. Just "Thank you, thank you. I feel the love."

{From A Journal of the Spirit, a Journey of the Soul, by D.C. Ice, Oct. 22, 1986}

IN THE SILENCE

Lord, I’m confused. As usual.

In Romans 14:5-6, St. Paul says "One man esteemeth one day above another: another esteemeth every day alike. Let every man be fully persuaded in his own mind. He that regardeth the day, regardeth it unto the Lord; and he that regardeth not the day, to the Lord he doth not regard it."

In the context, it sounds like we have a choice to have a holiday or not. It’s up to us one way or the other. Birthdays, anniversaries, Columbus Day, saints’ days, Christmas, New Year’s. I know that some celebrate all kinds of days, while others, like the Jehovah’s Witnesses, celebrate almost no days at all. And by this verse I gather that that’s okay one way or the other.

But what about Sundays? Most people now ignore the command to rest on the Sabbath. I’ve had to work Sundays, myself, when the desk schedule called for it. And lately, with my mom and all, pretty much Sunday is no different from Monday--except I have to remember to put the garbage out on Monday.

Now Romans 14:2-3, 6, 17 says: "One believeth that he may eat all things: another, who is weak, eateth herbs. Let not him that eateth despise him that eateth not; and let not him which eateth not judge him that eateth: for God hath received him. . . . He that eateth, eateth to the Lord, for he giveth God thanks; and he that eateth not, to the Lord he eateth not, and giveth God thanks. . . . For the kingdom of God is not meat and drink; but righteousness, and peace, and joy in the Holy Ghost."

That’s plain enough. Vegetarians and meat-eaters shouldn’t get on each other’s cases. I can deal with that. And if someone wants to eat meat on Friday or during Lent and someone else prefers fish, that’s fine. Or if someone eats pork and bacon and another doesn’t, "happy is he that condemneth not himself in that thing which he alloweth." (Rom. 14:22)

Now eating fish on Friday is a manmade rule, but avoiding pork is one of Your rules, Lord. So there is a difference, but Paul is saying it’s okay for Christians to eat pork as long as they don’t see any offense in it. Right? We’ve always believed this to be so anyway.

Now, back to the Sabbath. This involves more than just one of Your rules. This involves one of Your Commandments. "Remember the Sabbath day to keep it holy." (Ex. 20:8) I feel like this is heavier territory here. And St. Paul says--in Romans 13--that we should obey governments and all Your Commandments. Are You saying that we can break the Commandments the same way we eat pork? Jesus did say, "the Sabbath was made for man and not man for the Sabbath" (Mk. 2:27) and that it was okay to do good on the Sabbath.

What about the other Commandments?

"Thou shalt not commit adultery." (Ex.20:14) That one’s kind of gone by the board, too, I guess, judging by the number of people getting divorced and remarried, practicing premarital and extramarital sex, or just living together, regardless of whether or not one or both is married to someone else. We used to say they were "shacked up with someone" or "living in sin."

"Thou shalt not steal." (Ex. 20:15) Pretty much everybody thinks that’s okay, too, judging by the way office supplies disappear, income taxes are cheated on, and stamps get soaked off and reused, not to mention the people in stores who think nothing of handing their children a candy bar and concealing the wrapper at the checkout.

"Thou shalt not kill." (Ex. 20:13) Unless it’s in the line of duty as a police officer, or during a war, or in self-defense, or executing criminals, or whatever. Abortion? That's a hot issue! Waco, Texas and the people on both sides--those who put the lives of innocent children on the line and those who killed them in the name of protecting others.

Is there anything left of Your Commandments?

"Honour thy father and thy mother." (Ex. 20:12) Well, unless the parents abuse their children. I read the other day about parents who locked their son up in a windowless closet for seven years and only fed him garbage scraps once a day. Should he honor them? I don’t think so. Where is the line between Solomon’s not sparing the rod and locking your children in a closet or beating them or starving them to death? Should a starving child honor his parents?

Are the Commandments then reduced to the level of wearing or not wearing hats in church? I’ve actually heard people refer to adultery, having illegitimate children (we used to call them bastards), and homosexuality as being on that level.

Where are the limits, Lord? Are there any? Can we do whatever we like as long as we are convinced it’s okay?

"Him that is weak in the faith receive ye, but not to doubtful disputations. . . . Who art thou that judgest another man’s servant? To his own master he standeth or falleth; yea, he shall be holden up: for God is able to make him stand. . . . For none of us liveth to himself, and no man dieth to himself. For whether we live, we live unto the Lord; and whether we die, we die unto the Lord. . . . Why dost thou judge thy brother? Or why dost thou set at nought thy brother? For we shall all stand before the judgment seat of Christ. . . . Let us not therefore judge one another any more. . . . To him that esteemeth anything to be unclean, to him it is unclean. . . ." (Rom. 14:1, 4, 7, 10, 13, 14)

And then of course the capstone. "He that doubteth is damned . . . for whatsoever is not of faith is sin." (Rom. 14: 23) And "who can say, I have made my heart clean, I am pure from my sin?" (Prov. 20:9)

So, where are we? Where am I?

Jesus gave the answer. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." "Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them; for this is the law and the prophets." (Matt. 7:12) And His Two Commandments: "Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets." (Matt. 22: 37-40) And in Romans 13:10, Paul said, "Love worketh no ill to his neighbour: therefore love is the fulfilling of the law."

Can practicing Christianity be this simple? And this hard!

{From A Journal of the Spirit, a Journey of the Soul, by D.C. Ice, Oct. 15, 1994.}

IN THE SILENCE

Real faith--like real science--is a seeking for answers, a quest for truth. It is not a presumption that one knows it all. For all of us--those who search and those who think they already have all the answers--God has many surprises waiting. "Seek and ye shall find." (Matt. 7:7) Seek the truth, love the truth, speak the truth. Let love cover all things and people. God's spirit is in everyone, but if we block Him or ignore Him, He cannot help us or help us to help others.

{From A Journal of the Spirit, a Journey of the Soul, by D.C. Ice, Oct. 8, 1995}